Hi Faith,
Yesterday we took you to a couple cell group because we didn't want to leave you again, as we have left you all day to work. Being a good girl, you sat quietly, although sometimes to ensure you were not bored, we gave you the iPod to help entertain you. One time you wanted to sit on my lap when I was playing keyboard. It was okay, since you sat nicely and didn't interrupt my playing.
Yesterday was Valentine's day, so the theme was about marriage.
Maybe you were too young to understand about marriage and all its complexities (although you seemed to listen carefully to the sermon :) )
But I wanted to share what we heard last night as a keepsake when you grow up and thinking about one.
Okay, here goes..
Why does a couple fail to work on their marriage?
There are many reasons, but due to the limited time, only two were discussed.
1. Expectation
Before getting married, both man and woman have certain expectations to their bride/groom to be.
Usually a woman expects these qualities on her husband:
- To be a lover: love her, care about her, give her surprises on special occasion, listen about her
- To be a provider: have a steady job, good income, nice house and car if possible :)
- To be a good father: care about his children, participate in raising the children
- To be able to make her friend's jealous when taking her husband to weddings haha (physical quality)
- etc etc..
Usually a man expects these qualities on her wife:
- To be a good wife: respect him, good cooks, good lover, house taken care of
- To be able to make his friend's jealous when taking her wife to weddings or other occassion.. (you can see that this is a more important priority in man's expectation). Contrary to women, most men first look for certain physical quality in a woman, her personality comes in second.
- To be a good mother: children taken care of and at the same time still looks good :)
- etc etc..
See the words in bold?
I'd like to emphasize that
a woman needs to be loved while a man needs to be respected.
That's their basic needs.
So, when they're finally getting married, they became dissapointed when their expectations were not met.
They started to demand certain acts or things from their spouse..
And if those demands were not met, there came endless fights, frustation, which could lead to affair or divorce..
Now, we don't want those to happen, do we?
Maybe you can say that, so then, we have to come to a marriage with no expectation whatsoever?
Well, in reality it is not possible.
We must have some kind of expectations..
When we are already married, there's no turning back.. no divorce should be in every married couple's dictionary.
Because divorce is not solving any problem.
Surveys said that divorce rate was bigger in a second marriage than in a first marriage.
In other words, people who failed their first marriage will mostly failed their second marriage as well.
Than what we should do?
The key is to bridge those expectation, to meet in the middle.., to make sacrifices..
Both husband and wife has to make the effort.
The husband has to remember that his wife needs to be loved.
The wife has to remember that his husband needs to be respected.
It is harder to fix things that already broken..
Therefore when you are still single, and thinking about marrying your boyfriend, you have to pay attention to all his details: his faith, his personality, his social status, his education, his races, his family, etc..
I'm not saying that you can't married people with different personality or social status or education or race, etc.. It's just that the gap will be harder to bridge when you are coming from different places. You have to make a lot of sacrifices. So, it's your choice.. the hard way or the easy way.
But I want to make sure that you choose a husband who has the same faith with you.
Because without it, no bridge can be built.
Marriage is like a triangle, with God on the top angle, husband on the left angle and wife on the right angle.
The more a husband and a wife tries to get closer to God, the more they get closer with each other.
If you have different faith, then you are not in the same triangle.
Bored yet? I hope not :)
2. Priorities
Romeo and Juliet fell in love..
They both willing to leave their families to pursue their love..
They even willing to loose their life to become united with their loved one...
Romeo was Juliet's priority and vice versa..
Now, imagine if Romeo and Juliet were already married..
Maybe Romeo was busy chasing his carreer to be a respectful man in the kingdom..
Maybe Juliet was busy raising their two adorable children..
Over the years their priority changes..
Survey said that divorce was most likely to happen
after the couple had children.
Why?
Because their priority has changed..
Children become their priorities.. not their spouse..
We should go back to the phase when we still make our spouse our priority.
It is hard for me to imagine, but I know one day you will grow up and leave us to make your own life with your chosen husband.
Mama and papa were left with each other.
Therefore mama has to make papa my priority first and you come in second.
Did I confuse you yet?
I know I didn't because you're such a smart girl :)
Love,
Mama
